Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic

Summary: Fun Home: A family Tragicomic is a story about the Alison youth and how her  relationship with her father influenced her sexual orentation.

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Let me start off by saying this was a difficult read but after reviewing it a third time I realized how brilliant A family Tragicomic was. Alison relates her fathers actions through many different literary works and also defines her sexual preferences.

“My parents are most real to me in fictional terms. And perhaps my cool aesthetic distance itself does more to convey the Arctic climate of our family than any particular literary comparison.”  This is interesting to view parents in terms of fictional, fake , imaginary, or events that are not factual. So Alison goes on to view their relationship as cold, which is a perfect way to describe the disconnect everyone had. Her family was not sensitive to one another, and the relationship was very unwelcomed. You are a reflection of your parents so its only natural that Alison developed these same characteristics. If no one in the family  is hot; loving, welcoming, real, than Alison simply lacks that example of how she could be.

“I grew to resent the way my father treated his furniture like children, and his children like furniture” (14).  Reading further I realized although Alison was cold her self she desired something more from her family, that ‘ hot’ relationship. It was crazy how she compared her self to furniture, something you sit or lay on to be comfortable. Furniture is something that is ‘necessary’ in the home but lacks much attention. So to say the furniture got more attention than the children relates back to the cold nature in the family. The play on words is very interesting though, ‘treated his furniture like children, and his children like furniture.” You dont have to love, play, talk, or kiss furniture again its something you just sit on and give little attention. His children were not given love, were not talked to, kissed or played with, however they were given just enough attention to realize they were apart of a family.

Because Alison relationship with her father was so cold she tried to make it hot and real by relating him to other characters. By relating her father to  certain characters like Camus, James, and Fitzgerald he became real. Notice these are all men, strong men the definition of a man, something her father was not. Alison lacked a real example of who a man was so she  inevitably became one. Her father was this cold emotional female and she hated  him for it. Both lacked good communication skills so there was no room for anything to spark, for any heat to develop in the relationship so it remained cold.

Alison eventually became her father, the person she was trying so hard not to become. But the more she resisted him the more she developed his habits like living through fiction. To me Alison would NOT of become a lesbian had she had a fire connection with her father, but what do you think?

“The line that dad drew between reality and fiction was indeed a blurry one. To understand this one had only to enter his library” (59).

 

Word count: 542

 

 

 

In Search of the Lost Wings of the Angels”

Summary: “In Search of the Lost Wings of the Angels” is a story that focuses on two stories,  one about the  relationship between a mother and daughter dealing with grief and the narrator and her female lover.

Register: In Search of the Lost Wings of Angels was really deep to me and shows the connection and even dependance women have on men. It showed the balance a father adds to a house hold and the disconnect that occurs between mother and daughter once a father is absent. This is exactly what happened between Caocao and her mother when Caocao father died. Instantly Caocao mother abandoned  her “I hated the fact that after I lost my father, she unexpectedly made me lose respect for her as a mother. I hated that she made and about face and became a stranger at precisely the moment when I felt most alone and abandoned” (155).  Caocao was crying out for her mothers affection, smile, hug something and she received nothing.   During a time of grief anyone would react with confusion because you expect a mother to be overly motherly during a hard time.  She used words like ‘ abandoned’ meaning to leave completely, withdraw, to disconnect from such powerful words.

She also used words like hate meaning extreme dislike, another powerful word to describe how she felt towards her mother for abandoning her. This also shows the fact that a fathers absence can cause an immediate lack of self awareness.  Nothing positive is in that quote except the obvious desire Caocao had to search for something more, love. Her mothers love was gone and so was her fathers.

I like to relate this quote to the title as well, it relates to the search of love Caocao was on.  She came to grips with the lost of her father and began the journey of forgiveness. She realized that in order to get her wings she must let go of the hurt her mother caused her and move forward. I started to really enjoy her growth once she forgave her mother,“I drew closer to my mother’s naked spirit and finally it dawned on me how cruelly and unjustly I had treated her all along. It was me, my selfishness and cowardice, which had forced us into this abyss of misery and pain”(164).  This quote is beautiful to me, and again shows her growth as a person and her maturity. She comes to the realization in a dream that she was wrong, her mother the woman who raised her and was just dealing with an untimely death was just trying to deal with her feelings. I love how she called her feelings during that time selfish, she was ONLY concerned with her feelings and her needs she completely forgot her mothers. She realized HER actions caused this cover of depression to lay on top of their relationship. Her growth is beautiful because she connected the fact that her actions were emotionally fed and led to a forced ‘ abyss of misery’.

 

Word count: 504

Confessions of a Mask

Summary: Confessions of a Mask is a first-person narrative about a e boy named Kochan. He narrates his journey towards manhood and discovering his sexuality during World War II.

 

I was very displeased with the way Kochan was treated in this novel in relations to his health. Because of his fragile health he was not treated as a man but treated as a woman and this caused him to wear “mask” throughout his life. Kochan was afraid of being seen for who he really was, he avoided seeing himself and facing his fears be hiding behind this mask. The mask Kochan wore prevented his inner self from being seen, and covered his  authentic personality in hopes no one would see his true self. This mask is symbolic because it represents low self esteem, and a complete surrender to fear.

 

The quote on page twenty seven best describes how the mask affects Kochans life. “And in this house it was tacitly required that I act like a boy. The reluctant masquerade had begun. At about this time I was beginning to understand vaguely the mechanism of the fact that what people regraded as a pose on my part was actually an expression of my need to assert my true nature , and that is was precisely  what people regarded as my true self which was a masquerade” (27).  In his house he was suppose to act like a man but was treated like a girl, which adds to the reason why he wears the mask. The treatment he receives from family members aided in him hesitantly , almost unwillingly wearing the mask at first.  He bagan acting as he should, a man, however this too was uncomfortable because it was NOT his true self. He was still acting on how others perceived him, and how OTHERS wanted him to be.  When I explore the first part of this quote it seems as if he was unaware that he was wearing the masque negatively.

Continuing to analyze this quote I do see a little glimpse of light and hope when he says ,” what people regraded as a pose on my part was actually an expression of my need to assert my true nature ” (27).  He acknowledges that he does need to just be himself, and through these mask he is hoping to figure that out.  Kochan wants to assert himself or act boldly when expressing his ‘ true nature’, or living daily as he truly is. The mask here show a cover up or a fear for making a mistake and not pleasing society while he is on his journey of self discovery. In a way thats not all negative because again, he does acknowledge that his masquerade is just his process of figuring out who he really is. Unfortunately this is the only light I saw in this book for he still continued to be everything he was not.

In order to grow and get rid of the mask you must actually take it off and face it! I was hoping in Kochan case he would of  take off the mask and realize that their is light in really expressing who you are. The mask stayed on, so the masquerade continued,” what people regarded as my true self which was a masquerade” (27).

 

Wordcount: 549

 

 

 

 

 

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Zami: A New Spelling of My Name

Audre Lorde’s Zami: A New Spelling of My Name shows the trials and tribulations of Lorde’s life and the women she builds relationships with  while being Black and homosexual during a racially charged America.

Wow another book that really looked into the societal impact on a gay persons emotions while being black in America.  I was instantly touched by the honesty of the book, and the in depth picture Lorde painted of her life. She made it seem like being gay was an agony, and unwanted pain that just wouldn’t go away. On top of being gay which is frowned upon in society she was also black a combination that really made her feel left out. I want to explore the pity Lorde felt for herself, and further separated her from society.

“I remember how being young and Black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell” (176).  I found it ironic that she used the word ” lonely” when describing her sexuality and ethnicity.Her sexuality and skin color isolated her , i don’t take this as her literally being alone though. I feel like being in a room full of people Lorde just felt alone, disconnected from whats going on around her. This developed into her feeling unwanted, unloved, and unworthy.  She continues to say it was “fine” showing her acceptance of her circumstances, shows her settling. I see it as a shrug moment if you will, a sort of  ‘it is what it is type of situation.

Lorde analyzed her surroundings, disconnected her self, but on the inside it truly was “hell”.  This hell in my opinion affected how she loved. ” Every woman I have ever loved has left her imprint upon me”.  This shows the numerous imprint people have had on Lorde that correlates to the hell she’s feeling. She clearly has lost her self, is feeling depressed and ultimately has just accepted her current state, ” hell.”  If lovers and society are consistently influencing your every move how can you find time for yourself, which further supports my views on Lorde being very unsure of who she is.

“It was hard enough to be Black, to be Black and female, to be Black, female, and gay. To be Black, female, gay and out of the closet in a while environment, even to the extent of dancing in the Bagatelle, was considered by many Black lesbians to be simply suicide” (224).  Here is another example of Lorde giving all her attention to how others perceive her. She has completely let the perceptions of her labels ” black/gay” define who she is.  She says it was hard to be black and gay, but if she was comfortable in her skin,if she knew who she was that wouldnt matter. I want to end with looking at how she describes her race and sexuality with the word  suicide . A very powerful word meaning the  influence by broader cultural views causing one to want to end their life. Its a shame Lorde views her life in this manner, yet she can’t change her skin color or who she loves.

 

Word count :5

Times Square Red

Summary: “Times Square Red, Times Square Blue” Delany’s  personal sexual experiences  inTimes Square with men from 1960 through the 1990s. He explores the pornographic theater scene in New York city for over

The second portion of the book really had me questioning the class and societal views on the pornographic theater. The first part of the essay was a detailed description of the pornographic theater, and when I say detailed I mean super vivid images came to mind while reading. In the second portion the explicit text died down, and it was time to really internalize the readings.

Was this interactive theater a save haven for gay men, a underground escape from fifth avenue? “As in the name of “safety,” society dismantles the various institutions that promote interclass communications, attempts to critique the way such institutions functioned in the past to promote their happier sides as seen as best” (122) . I notice the immediate use of safe in quotations to describe what everything may appear to be on the outside may not actually ” be” on the inside. The last thing you think of when you hear theater is a porn and masturbation. However, that is why its such a brilliant safe haven for these men to go and please themselves without societal judgement.  Society would completely turn its nose to this type of entertainment that ” promotes their happier side as seen as best”. The word dismantle is strategically used because after society turns up their nose, they will certainly tear it down! This is “their” or a gay mans place to release tension, not be judged by economic status or sexual preference hidden away in a theater that if exposed their happiness would be put to an end.

 

I also began to question the structure of New York city. The first place people want to visit when they come to the city is Time Square, the lights, busy streets and other attractions are alluring to tourist.  “Because our new city developments , such as Times Square, are conceived largely as attractions for incoming tourists, they are being designed to look safe to the tourist even if the social and architecual organization laid down to appeal to them is demonstrably inappropriate to large cities and promotes precisely the sort  of isolation, inhumanity, and violence that everyone abhors. ” ( 155)  Again while exploring the structure of the city the word “safe” comes up. The word if really being used to mock the  warm feeling people  have while visiting New York. Naively they ignore the real culture going on, or they are simply blinded by all the lights and city noise.  The buildings simply distract from the real issues, cover up the real class separation, and create this illusion of positive happening through out the city.

 

Societal views impacted the architectural designs that hide what really culturally takes place in New York city. I want to end my register with a quote we can further discuss in class that really sums up my register as a whole.

“The greater population and subsequently greater variety of needs and beneficial excesses to be found in cities make public contact venues, from the social to the sexual, a particularly important factor for social movement, change, and a generally pleasant life in a positive and pleasant democratic urban atmosphere” (170).

 

word count:547

Times Square Blue

Summary: “Times Square Red, Times Square Blue” Delany’s  personal sexual experiences  inTimes Square with men from 1960 through the 1990s. He explores the pornographic theater scene in New York city for over

I noticed a celebration of  gay theater in the first part of Delany’s work, “Times Square Blue.”  When gay men went to the theater it was almost as if they were escaping their realities and finally celebrating who they were. Many of them felt outcasted but according to Chip the gay men stayed at the pornographic theater for personal fulfillment. “There are many men, younger and older, for whom the ease and availability of sex there made the movies a central sexual outlet” (16). The word availability sticks out to me because its used to describe the “sex” in the movies. The word available suggest that their was no judgement, a haven if sexually frustrated, and comfortably  the movies offered gay men.  I like the use of ‘central sexual outlet as well because it describes why the age range was young and old, the environment seemed very open and welcoming.

I got a little suspicious of this open gay place, I began to wonder if sexual favors were taking place. I began to wonder if older men were seeking sexual excitement from younger boys. I began to question this availability of sex! Again I want to exam the line on page 16, “There are many men, younger and older, for whom the ease and availability of sex there made the movies a central sexual outlet” (16) Having orgasmic pleasure was the point of these movie theaters taking enjoyment to a more erotic level .  Young guys were the attraction and when left alone men would wonder why no one was having sex with them. ” That straight kid over there -beating off? He’s gorgeous. Why isnt anybody doing him? ” (21) Thats not something you expect to hear at a theater, and this particular youngster preferred for the men to just ” watch” and not touch! You can get off on him but he preferred to masturbate himself.

This place allowed gay men to freely get sexual pleasure with out a flash light being put in their faces. ” Its better than those places uptown ,you know, where they come around and shine a fuckin’ flash light- on you- scare you to death up there! I mean you’re beatin off and suddenly you have this flash light in your face! ” (25) The use of death to me suggested that the act of masturbation was wrong in any other “class” Upper class viewed that act as something private, a secret act that goes un talked about where as in the lower class its just something openly done! I loved the use of the exclamation point I feel like it was used to really get the reader to agree, as if to say ” yeah no one wants a flashlight on them while their trying to masturbate. This theater is clearly not meant for the upper class and to this community it seems ridiculous to NOT be able to masturbate publicly around others.

 

The first part of this book was very interesting showing how gay men sought the  ” under ground” sex scene  (movie theater) during this time period

 

 

word count: 536

Giovanni’s Room

Summary:James Baldwin’s Giovanni’s Room is a story about Davids journey to Paris to explore his sexuality that he has kept hidden for years.

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When I read the  title ” Giovanni’s Room” I realized this book could possibly be about a man consumed in a relationship thats kept under wraps for no one on the outside world to see. Immediately I realized that would be the case and David proved through out the entire book that he just wanted to be perceived as “manly” and his sexuality conflicted with this.

“But people can’t, unhappily, invent their mooring posts, their lovers and their friends, anymore than they can invent their parents.  Life gives these and also takes them away and the great difficulty is to say Yes to life.( 5)”

It seemed as though David was trying to find some excuse as to why he was attracted to men and how is justified him as still being “manly.”  This quote explains that who you love, or lust over and the act itself of getting intimate with some one is just apart of life!  However, happiness, stability, and acceptance are not things that describe a homosexual lifestyle and Baldwin used David’s experimental trial of  brilliantly.

After sleeping with Giovanni I noticed David tried to make sense and bury his shame with Hella! Which really to me showed his lack of self awareness, and proved once more how much society impacted his actions.  “I wanted a woman to be for me a steady ground, like the earth itself, where I could always be renewed” (104). With men David could never be grounded, he would always feel uneasy, restricted in a room.

“I remember that life in that room seemed to be occurring beneath the sea.  Time flowed past indifferently above us, hours and days no meaning… Beneath the joy of course, was anguish and beneath the amazement was fear… anguish and fear had become the surface on which we slipped and slid, losing balance, dignity, and pride.”

The quote above really gets in depth with Davids feelings towards Giovanni, “that night.” It was a secret embrace,something beautiful, which is why I loved how it is described as being taken place under the sea. Yet as beautiful as the sea is it symbolizes a mystery, a completely different world only some get to experience. The sex created a loss of ones self, confusion but it was something new and exciting. “Beneath the joy of course, was anguish and beneath the amazement was fear.” Again this goes back to David defining what a man is, and who he should be. A man should live a balanced life, stable even, and being with a man is just to shameful to bare.

“With the fearful intimations there opened in me a hatred for Giovanni which was as powerful as my love and which was nourished by the same roots” (84).

David can be described in one word, confused. The world had a hold on his life and how he should live it he slept with women to make his insecurities feel right! The room seemed to represent societal views on homosexual life that began to consume David which resulted in him leaving Giovanni. Even though David left Giovanni his conscious  will always battle  his true feelings and beware of what he did.

Death in Venice

Summary:Thomas Mann’s Death in Venice tells the tale of a writer, Gustav Aschenbach trip to Venice where he falls in love with a man named Tadzio and becomes obsessed with him until the end of his life.

The beginning of the book Aschenback realizes he needs to take a trip and gets a new purpose in life when he gazes upon a young man.“But much to his surprise he grew aware of  a strange expansion of his inner being, a kind of restive anxiety, a fervent youthful craving for faraway place” (5).  You could feel the dissatisfaction Aschenback was experiencing with his life, and just needed to escape. He was no longer happy with his work, he no longer got any emotion from it , my life was on the decline” (7). He was seeking something more from life, I got a feeling he was searching for inspiration to cure his writers block as well. I felt as if his life was art, was his work and with out that he had no since of who he was, “depriving him of all pleasure, all delight in form and expression…it gave him no pleasure” (9).

As he boarded the ship I felt he was reflecting on his life, and analyzing everything around him. Thus his description of an older man gives the readers an insight to what type of person he is interested in, what type of things that will soon inspire him in the book. The description of the older man show’s what doesnt interest him, and how he was feeling at the time was taken out on the innocent old man.“He was old, there was no doubting it: he had wrinkles around his eyes and mouth: the matt crimson of his cheeks was rouge..the neck-scrawny, emaciated; the stuck-on mustache and imperial oh his chin- dyed; the full complement of yellow teeth – a cheap denature and the hands with signet rings on both forefingers, those of an old man” (29).

He then see’s the young man Tadzio and his reaction is the complete opposite, and he is instantly inspired to say the least. “His face – pale and charmingly reticent, ringed by honey-colored hair, with a straight nose, lovely mouth, and an expression of gravity sweet and divine – recalled Greek statuary of the noblest period” (45).  He then begins  to use Tadzio as his inspiration and all seems well until the end of the book.

”His head and his heart were drunk, and his steps followed the dictates of that dark god whose pleasure it is to trample man’s reason and dignity underfoot” (102).His observation is the same as with the older man  when he meets Tazio but  his attitude, emotion, enthusiasm has changed, once completely unnoticed in the book before meeting him. Gustav  new infatuation became the down fall of his life that he didnt predict happening. He became overwhelmed with his emotions towards Tazio, ” his head and heart were drunk.” His actions and thoughts were completely clouded, probably due to the fact he really didnt know what love/ pleasure was (76).

I wonder what Gustav ending would of been if he really new what pleasure, beauty was before he met Tazio?

The Collected Poems Part 1

Summary: C.P Cavafy’s  The Collected Poems  is an array of  poem that touch on homosexuality, getting older, and Greek history.

Most of the reading during the first portion of poems was based on the past, and reflection. A frequent theme of historical content, and reflection really made me pay attention to it as I continued my readings of the poetry. Before selecting the poem I would do my register on I asked my self, is the theme present, do I see any signs of reflection,and  if I felt any connection to the poem. I was stuck between ” Perception”, and ” Candle”, but eventually felt a stronger connection to “Perception.”

Perception

The years of my youth, my sensuous life-

How clearly I see the meaning now!

What useless, what futile repentances.

But I couldn’t see their meaning then.

Within the wanton life of my youth

My poetic will was being shaped,

The territory of my art was being drawn

And thus repentances were never steadfast.

And my resolutions to restrain myself, to change.

Lasted no more than two weeks, at the most.page 79

When you think of the word perception you automatically think of understanding or apprehension of the mind. In this poem Cavavfy is expressing his perception of his life through getting older. He reflects on his life, and comes to an “understanding” on the lessons life has taught him.  He explains he once perceived his younger years as pointless, and full of regret, “what useless, what futile repentances (79).”  This relates to the poem title as well because this is how he perceived his life during his younger years, but upon further reflection he realizes the importance of those experiences. “But I couldn’t see their meaning then(79).”

As Cavafy continues to look back he understands that those sorrowful times during his youth were building the man he is today. The trials and tribulations faced helped shape the man he is today.” My poetic will was being shaped,the territory of my art was being drawn(79).”  He brilliantly recognized that all his wrong doings were ironically pointing him into the right direction! Cavafy maturity becomes really apparent here.  His pain, sorrow, and mishaps shaped his “poem” or life, and  he concludes that those sorrows led him down the right path. “And thus repentances were never steadfast (79).” Before reading the last two lines I could already feel the clarity Cavafy was experiencing as he reflected on his life, he was once so remorseful for.

In the end he accepts who he has become, the mistakes he has made and shows  acknowledgement for who he really is. This is why this poem was picked over the “Candle”. I literally started singing,” I can see clearly now the rain is gone!” Cavafy life was molded by his life experiences and eventually led to art being created. “And that although they incessantly tried to change, they could not. And thus repentances were never steadfast. And my resolutions to restrain myself, to change. Lasted no more than two weeks, at the most” (79).

Do you feel like Cavafy positively reflected on his life  and  in turn this helped shape who is now?

Word count:520

Oscar Wilde

Summary: Oscar Wilde’s ironic play The Importance of Being Earnest explores the “Bunburyists,” view points on marriage that Algernon and Jack express through numerous experience.

 

I noticed a reoccurring theme in this play addressing the importance of marriage. Instead of marriage being viewed as blissful, a union under God, or to complete ones soul Algernon views marriage as a twenty-four hour on call sex toy.  Algernon takes ” to have and to hold,” in a sexual way rather than a loving point of view. Algernon point of view on marriage is most obvious when he is speaking with Jack.“The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain”(16).  His point of view is loud and clear as he uses the word “only” not giving marriage to a woman any other reasons but for sexual favors. I find Algernon thoughts on marriage very one sided and wish to know what experiences in the past caused him to view marriage in such a horrific way?

 

Another quote I would like to explore is when Algernon is reacting to Jack’s announcement that he is going to kill his fake brother. In this particular quote “a Bunburyist,”is first explained, as a pretender or someone who is living a double life. A person who appears to be one way to certain people on the outside but is really a different way on the inside. “Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury. A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it.” One could view a bunburyist individual with a bipolar personality and very conscious on other peoples view points of them. Jack is living this life by lying about a non-existent brother and Algernon is actually promoting this type of life for married men. Algernon suggest that marriage without bunbury will be very burdensome. If you look at the marriage a friends with benefits however, it will be the exact opposite.  When he eventually proposed to Cecily at the end of the play I just shook my head because he did it for all the wrong reasons.

Although I found it funny  when Algernon, (a character who has expressed such a nonchalant attitude towards marriage the entire play,) proposed but come to find he had already been engaged the entire text!“Why, we have been engaged for the last three months” Cecily exclaims (32). Eventually I found it sad, that his bunburist viewpoints on marriage hid the fact that he was already engaged! Which further showed living a bunbury lifestyle not only keeps the people around you in the dark, but yourself as well.

I really did enjoy reading this play and found the two men’s view points on life and relationships hilarious. I saw no evidence that this was in any sort a homosexual reading, in fact I thought this play was the opposite. Wilde wrote a play depicting cynical views on matrimony and it kept me completely engaged with the reading.

 

 

Word count: 511